The first chapter of my first book!
Thanks to those who hurt me, You made me a stronger person.
Thanks to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger.
Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important.
Thanks to those who showed concern, you let me know you care.
Thanks to those who left, you showed me that nothing is forever.
Thanks to those who stayed, you showed me the true meaning of friendship.
Thanks to those who entered my life, you helped me become the person I am today.
So I had a breakdown in May 2018. Life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. I felt like I had been put through an emotional meat grinder. It was a complete physical, mental, emotional and spiritual assault. It knocked me to the ground.
The anxiety was rampant; overwhelming. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep; I didn’t leave our house. I paced the floor from dusk to dawn. In complete darkness. Through the kitchen to the living room and back through the kitchen. Afraid my neighbors would see me; I kept the lights off. I banged into the coffee table. My legs were covered in bruises.
Many nights I paced for 12 hours. The clock on the microwave advancing with each lap. The floor touching my feet was the only thing real. If I did collapse I would wake terrified, and stumble up the stairs to the bathroom mirror. I needed to look into the mirror. Was I still alive or had I died and gone to hell? It didn’t feel like me. It wasn’t me. My reflection. A complete stranger.
I would splash cool water on my face. The sensation caused a stirring in my soul. Fleeting. Frantically I tried again, more water, nothing. Back to the hard floor. The sturdy cool wood against my feet. I was still here.
I lose 20 lbs. I called two hours sleep a good sleep. My husband would wake to find me passed out, contorted on a love seat, on cushions on the floor, at the base of our bow window, or outside asleep on the back porch. It was terrifying. Who was I? My sense of being was gone. I felt no emotions. Just extreme terror, isolation and fear. I begged not to be left alone.
The shower scared me. The pounding water, the noise, and the threat of more of me disappearing……down the drain.
I left my email open. I called close family members for confirmation, assurance, that they would never leave me. I was living in total darkness and fear. I was a spectator, helplessly witnessing my life dismantle, on piece at a time.
Anxiety became my glue. I knew this wasn’t right but could do nothing!
Survive! I had to survive!
From Heal Anxiety I Did! Survive and Thrive